Getting tagged on FB

Just received an email telling me I was “tagged” by another guy on his profile’s Internet page. “Tagged”, I mean what do you say to that?  I suddenly had this image of someone shooting my rump with a dart then affixing some tracking device to some part of my body (probably an ear) after which I’d be released back into the wild to frolic! 

The next day his page sent me a “cocktail”! Now I’m  sorry but in my mind this is all out of proper sequence. I mean in my usual experiences the guy first gives me a few cocktails THEN he gets to tag me! BTW: cyber cocktails! Where is the fun in being given that for your drink! Ah the new millennium. I’m told I should be complimented by this action but…

ARGH GAD IT'S THAT DAY!!!!

Well it happens to the best of us. you go through life trying to do good...or be good in...whatever. You are kind to friends. Loving to your partner. You live a sober life of unending charity.  Mother Theresa died contented in knowing you’d be around to pick up her torch. Alright so maybe I am exaggerating just a little…okay a hell of a lot. Then no matter what you do or don’t do in order to be a "nice guy" the day finally comes. That black hole of  gay disaster. THE BIRTHDAY!

You know the one I’m talking about. THE BIRTHDAY where the phrase: “I can hardly wait till I’m (insert age)” gives way to the phrase “Oh God I’m (insert age with appropriate tears)”. It hits you: you have begun the relentless slide from a cute guy saying to you, ‘hello hot stuff’ toward ‘hello daddy’ to end finally in him saying ‘are you still alive’.

Aging is bad enough in any species but in the “genus gayus” it is particularly worse. Gay men are  like fruit flies (no smart aleck cracks here on the  ‘fruit’ term understand. This is my diary so only I do the stand up). Like those small bugs both species share the same short shelf life. 

This is the birthday you lose that blush of youth that was the major component of your allure (lucky for me my allure has always been my amazing sense of bonhomie...or my endless capacity to engage in self-delusion…however, let us not stray off topic).

We all know the signs of gay decay setting in. The birthday at which some stud your cruising looks at you and his gaze doesn’t say ‘come here’ but rather ‘are you kidding me dude’. At this particular birthday party your friends commit the cruelest of indignities on you. They are kind to you throughout the entire event!  You realize then that they know you are getting...even now its foul to see these words in print but it must be acknowledged...you are getting old (notice I said you dear are getting old...not that I am gettingold...let’s not be foolish now)!

It is on that day you realize that you have hit THAT BIRTHDAY! Never again will a birthday herald a night of drunken debauchery in just the same way( now dear don’t worry you will still be a slut just not the same type of slut...feel better...read on then let me know if you still do). From now on this annual natal vulture will hover on the fringes of your fantasy world just waiting to swoop in once more next year at this time and yearly thereafter.

As each new birthday mournfully tolls you will discover that  some  guys can be too young to be sexually entangled with. Well to be honest you could still do it with them assuming they are drunk enough but your dignity will suffer. Besides, you will probably be paying for it in some way if they are sober. Oh hell honey soon you will be paying for it if you continue aging.Ah, did I see you wince at that last line. See, you are not so immune from thoughts of getting older too are you...you aging desperate  queen (get used to the term you will be hearing it murmured about you soon enough).

So, as the years lumber onward that “unavailable age group” will increase in its numbers...18…19…21...22 etc. Yes dear, they will all be gone from your grasp. Probably for the best dearie. Let’s face it honey, anyone who at 44 claims he can sexually perform just like he did at 18 was probably not doing much at 18!

The Solution:

There are ways to handle this beyond the traditional jumping from a tall building or a re-enactment of Bette Davis’s death scene in the finale of ‘Dark Victory’. I mean every gay boy’s  ‘been there done that scene right’. Time to be creative child. My solution is simplicity in itself. You just pick an age you like for yourself and you stick to it. No matter the passage of the calendar you just smile and grip onto that age each time you celebrate your birthday. True at some point you may appear ridiculous  (usually around the 10th time you are celebrating that age with friends) but your true friends will stay loyal. Besides if you stay a certain age they can stay their ages. 

You see if you don’t get any older they cannot age either unless they want you to appear stupid (alright obviously stupid). So, if their staying younger keeps you from appearing asinine well your friends will willingly do that! Hell they will adore you all the more for it. After all do you think they are hot to become that dreaded ‘O’ word themselves? Now you are the self-created unchanging age “sun” of their world. The veritable center of an age adjusted &  fixated universe around which all your friends’ ages will be permanently defined & revolve.

A tad too convoluted a picture to understand. Let me put it in simple gay terms: you will be the one they all look to now determine their ages & isn’t being the center of their focus all you ever desired in life anyway. Win-win huh?

One final benefit, in light of what I just explained, for doing the above age fixing. You can legitimately  claim you are not acting self indulgently or living in a delusional world about getting...you know let’s not repeat it. With a straight face ( who knew that word would ever be used about you huh) anyway, you can insist that you are making the ultimate sacrifice to spare your friends the horror of facing their own confrontation with THEIR OWN DREADED BIRTHDAY. 

Ah, the nobility of self sacrificing combined with the delusion of youth. Mother Theresa  & Buddha would be proud. Happy birthday sweetie this is my birthday present to you.

To sum up then, just keep this in mind regarding gay birthdays: An older gay guy needs to pick an outrageously younger year and just stick too it. If dogs can get away with this weird ‘dog-years’ conversion stuff why not you. Now let’s pour ourselves another Appletini and cruise that frat boy together!

Final note: It has been said good sex is nothing more than great lighting so go out and invest in pin lights for your party and your bedroom.

Also, for  those in more "advanced" years. When you have sex make sure you ALWAYS look up at your partner NEVER look down on him. Get a mirror and check this fact out by letting the mirror be his face. Look down into it and you will see what he will observe if he looks up at you. Another word of advice here: honey have a good stiff drink handy to steady you after you do this. 

As for our gay sisters, for them age appears irrelevant. What’s up with that I wonder?




Selected from my book, "THE GAY DAZE THAT IS MY LIFE"

DEAR BRITAIN

Dear UK Friend,

Today the TV is filled with news about your nation’s concern over a perceived “anti-British” tone in comments about BP.

Quite frankly we across the pond are slightly amazed at this reaction from you. To be honest the only people associating BP with Britain is, sorry love, you guys.

So lets clear the air. We don’t blame you or rather we didn’t until now. As one friend said at a party, “I wonder why they are jumping to BP’s defense. I mean smoke and fire right?” Simply put, thanks to you, people ARE now making a link. Yesterday we had a world cup match. For the first time one felt in the fans a dislike for your country in the fan reaction. Before all this, any sports encounters between us just engendered good-natured ribbing or a naturally healthy sport rivalry. Yesterday the fan yells grew uglier especially when news came on about the British PM calling Obama on BP.  Memo to your PM. STOP LINKING BP WITH BRITAIN! BTW your ambassador here really needs to go on a charm offensive.

May I make a suggestion? Re-think your responses. This especially critical in light of the fact that our “special relationship” is, okay lets be honest, slowly fading. It is sad but true. As the older “euro centric educated” population declines the new rising American generations do not see you in quite the same way. In days gone by English history and literature was drilled into us. We saw your culture as part of our American culture. So naturally we felt close. But now our educational system stresses multi-cultures and England does not occupy her preeminent place in our educational process.

That doesn’t mean we don’t like you anymore but younger Americans do not see you as a mother country. In fact our perceptions of critical British history is evolving in new ways. For example, I doubt our growing Hispanic population will see the events around the “Spanish Armada” in quite the same way. True it will take twenty-five years or so for this to be fully felt in our governments attitudes to you but hey what’s twenty-five years in the great scheme of history.

Now don’t go crazy about it. We will still feel comfortable with you and, thanks to public television imports, there will always be a class of citizens that think of you as special. But the days of unqualified free passes in our sentimental hearts is drawing to a close. Also the views of the rapidly aging DC crowd are NOT the average American’s views.  I’d suggest you end your diplomats out into the hinterland to charm up the new emerging leaders.

So let me end this by asking. Do you really want to endanger our new evolving relationship by defending an oil-polluting group of incompetent businessmen?  Do you really want large parts of the American public to associate you and yours as being somehow involved in destroying of our wetlands? There is a rising tide of anger over BP. May I suggest you grab a “cuppa” and sit this one out before you ignite a dislike of Britain that will leave a lingering scar on our friendship! We will in the future have spats. This is NOT one you can win or need to get into yeah?

PS One-One. How sweet it is.

Sarah, Sarah Storms Are Brewing In My Eyes

Okay I get that we owe John Mc cain a debt for his war service but since he gave us Sarah Palin lets mark that IOU as "PAID IN FULL". Now hear this Sarah:

1) where do you get the hubris to tell the President  ( i.e Obama and immigration) to "do his job" when you walked out of your job!

2) How dare you trivialize the loss NY and the world felt after 9/11 by usurping the line "We are all Americans" to say "we are all Arizonians." The former was a defiant rebuke to intolerance. How dare you reverse it to endorse your narrow-minded bigoted intolerance!

You are a third rate version of a demigod that reminds me of the character Andy Griffith played in the movie, "A Face In The Crowd". As for your Tea Party antics I think a bigoted and divisive mouth like yours should only be open to tea-bag. 

Do I care!!!

About anything Sarah Pallin says to a "Tea Party" that is composed of right wing white conservatives! It is the same tired old agenda wrapped up in new ribbons or is that a white hood? I think liberals need to strap on a pair!

About the latest gossip from Perez Hilton. I mean it really is pathetic how someone tries to be relevant by spreading gossip about others. Clearly they have no life of their own to talk about or only have a boring one. Oh, side note to John Mayer. John, a green thong swim suit??? No way you are gay, no matter what you allegedly took into your mouth!

About the Winter Olympics. Sorry but too many clothes on many of the male competitors to be interesting. At least in the summer ones while I may not be interested in the  sport being played the view is still rather nice!

Political Musings

Re:Democrats who promise us something then always fail to do it.


We always say we must support a Democrat because Republicans are worse. The real problem is that unless we back up our threats to take financial action ( i.e. NO more $$$) or to really "sit it out in the next election" they will never be induced to get serious. A Hobbesian choice we will all have to address soon!


Re: Obama's State of the Union speech mentioning repeal of "dont' ask don't tell":


Hope springs eternal but I honestly think he will screw us over again. If he was truly serious, he has the power to order a halt to all "trials& investigations" as the Commander In Chief until the policy is reviewed.

Frontal male nudity in plays in NYC and about those musical revivals!:

I wonder if some playwrights use nudity to cover up their inability to write an engrossing play. Don't  get me wrong I do enjoy male nudity on stage if, naturally, the body is sweet. My point is that I usually think the script must be weak if a body(s) is bared in a production. It is as if the writer is saying, "I can't get my audience excited by my words so let me go for the money shot!" My comment to you: Engage the organ between my ears not, the one between my legs if you want to really impress me!

About the numerous revivals of musicals on Broadway:

Are you admitting no one can write anything new anymore? It seems as if Broadway is currently having more "revivals" than any evangelical church down South.