ARGH GAD IT'S THAT DAY!!!!

Well it happens to the best of us. you go through life trying to do good...or be good in...whatever. You are kind to friends. Loving to your partner. You live a sober life of unending charity.  Mother Theresa died contented in knowing you’d be around to pick up her torch. Alright so maybe I am exaggerating just a little…okay a hell of a lot. Then no matter what you do or don’t do in order to be a "nice guy" the day finally comes. That black hole of  gay disaster. THE BIRTHDAY!

You know the one I’m talking about. THE BIRTHDAY where the phrase: “I can hardly wait till I’m (insert age)” gives way to the phrase “Oh God I’m (insert age with appropriate tears)”. It hits you: you have begun the relentless slide from a cute guy saying to you, ‘hello hot stuff’ toward ‘hello daddy’ to end finally in him saying ‘are you still alive’.

Aging is bad enough in any species but in the “genus gayus” it is particularly worse. Gay men are  like fruit flies (no smart aleck cracks here on the  ‘fruit’ term understand. This is my diary so only I do the stand up). Like those small bugs both species share the same short shelf life. 

This is the birthday you lose that blush of youth that was the major component of your allure (lucky for me my allure has always been my amazing sense of bonhomie...or my endless capacity to engage in self-delusion…however, let us not stray off topic).

We all know the signs of gay decay setting in. The birthday at which some stud your cruising looks at you and his gaze doesn’t say ‘come here’ but rather ‘are you kidding me dude’. At this particular birthday party your friends commit the cruelest of indignities on you. They are kind to you throughout the entire event!  You realize then that they know you are getting...even now its foul to see these words in print but it must be acknowledged...you are getting old (notice I said you dear are getting old...not that I am gettingold...let’s not be foolish now)!

It is on that day you realize that you have hit THAT BIRTHDAY! Never again will a birthday herald a night of drunken debauchery in just the same way( now dear don’t worry you will still be a slut just not the same type of slut...feel better...read on then let me know if you still do). From now on this annual natal vulture will hover on the fringes of your fantasy world just waiting to swoop in once more next year at this time and yearly thereafter.

As each new birthday mournfully tolls you will discover that  some  guys can be too young to be sexually entangled with. Well to be honest you could still do it with them assuming they are drunk enough but your dignity will suffer. Besides, you will probably be paying for it in some way if they are sober. Oh hell honey soon you will be paying for it if you continue aging.Ah, did I see you wince at that last line. See, you are not so immune from thoughts of getting older too are you...you aging desperate  queen (get used to the term you will be hearing it murmured about you soon enough).

So, as the years lumber onward that “unavailable age group” will increase in its numbers...18…19…21...22 etc. Yes dear, they will all be gone from your grasp. Probably for the best dearie. Let’s face it honey, anyone who at 44 claims he can sexually perform just like he did at 18 was probably not doing much at 18!

The Solution:

There are ways to handle this beyond the traditional jumping from a tall building or a re-enactment of Bette Davis’s death scene in the finale of ‘Dark Victory’. I mean every gay boy’s  ‘been there done that scene right’. Time to be creative child. My solution is simplicity in itself. You just pick an age you like for yourself and you stick to it. No matter the passage of the calendar you just smile and grip onto that age each time you celebrate your birthday. True at some point you may appear ridiculous  (usually around the 10th time you are celebrating that age with friends) but your true friends will stay loyal. Besides if you stay a certain age they can stay their ages. 

You see if you don’t get any older they cannot age either unless they want you to appear stupid (alright obviously stupid). So, if their staying younger keeps you from appearing asinine well your friends will willingly do that! Hell they will adore you all the more for it. After all do you think they are hot to become that dreaded ‘O’ word themselves? Now you are the self-created unchanging age “sun” of their world. The veritable center of an age adjusted &  fixated universe around which all your friends’ ages will be permanently defined & revolve.

A tad too convoluted a picture to understand. Let me put it in simple gay terms: you will be the one they all look to now determine their ages & isn’t being the center of their focus all you ever desired in life anyway. Win-win huh?

One final benefit, in light of what I just explained, for doing the above age fixing. You can legitimately  claim you are not acting self indulgently or living in a delusional world about getting...you know let’s not repeat it. With a straight face ( who knew that word would ever be used about you huh) anyway, you can insist that you are making the ultimate sacrifice to spare your friends the horror of facing their own confrontation with THEIR OWN DREADED BIRTHDAY. 

Ah, the nobility of self sacrificing combined with the delusion of youth. Mother Theresa  & Buddha would be proud. Happy birthday sweetie this is my birthday present to you.

To sum up then, just keep this in mind regarding gay birthdays: An older gay guy needs to pick an outrageously younger year and just stick too it. If dogs can get away with this weird ‘dog-years’ conversion stuff why not you. Now let’s pour ourselves another Appletini and cruise that frat boy together!

Final note: It has been said good sex is nothing more than great lighting so go out and invest in pin lights for your party and your bedroom.

Also, for  those in more "advanced" years. When you have sex make sure you ALWAYS look up at your partner NEVER look down on him. Get a mirror and check this fact out by letting the mirror be his face. Look down into it and you will see what he will observe if he looks up at you. Another word of advice here: honey have a good stiff drink handy to steady you after you do this. 

As for our gay sisters, for them age appears irrelevant. What’s up with that I wonder?




Selected from my book, "THE GAY DAZE THAT IS MY LIFE"